Sometimes all it takes is seeing something on tv or reading a book or seeing a picture to trigger memories that you have buried deep inside. When this happens for me even if I wasn’t present for certain things I still see them as if I was there. The day I am talking about is the death of my mom, the death of my grandpa and the death of my grandma.
My brother was with my mom when she passed. He lives there and he is the one who heard her say she couldn’t breathe. He told me what had happened not knowing that I would be able to see it in detail as if I was there with her. I guess that’s the part of being a medium that will take some time getting used to. My mom’s isn’t the only scene that I see often, from time to time I will see other things that has been validated over and over. It’s almost like I have forgotten something that should have been said or done or maybe it’s that I need to dig a little deeper for an even bigger lesson.
When my grandpa died I was there, I remember everything about that day. My uncle Larry was in the room with him and telling him it’s ok for him to go. I could hear his breathing from where he was. I remember what he looked like and the sponge that we used to wet his lips that were blistered. His kidneys were giving out and very little liquid was going into the bag and it was a red color, not the normal yellow color you would expect to see, but I know when you are dying this is the process. My grandma had pneumonia and it was her birthday. At the moment that my grandpa died, flowers were being delivered for my grandma. It was chaos at that moment. Someone went to the door and took the flowers and put them in the other room away from all of the rest of the things taking place. There were many people who went into the room where my grandpa was, the room where I would sometimes sleep when I stayed at grandmas house or would sleep when I was there on a Saturday or Sunday as a kid. The floor joists broke from all of the weight of everyone in the room. My heart and soul shattered when my grandpa left this world. I knew that our family would never be the same. He was quiet and watched what we all did but when he spoke you stopped and you listened to what he had to say. He had wisdom that you knew you wanted to hear or know.
Not long after his death I would have a visit from him. He didn’t say anything to me but I could smell his cologne. I was sitting at my desk on the computer when it occurred. I turned around to see at first if my brother was standing behind me and had purchased the same cologne but there was not a person to be seen. It took me a long time to heal from his death. He was an amazing grandpa and I was lucky to have him.
After my grandma passed last April I thought of all of the things she had been saying to me at times. She would say she wouldn’t be around much longer and I guess really preparing me for her death. Other times she wouldn’t want to talk or even want me to visit her. I had purchased an Easter basket for her that I never got to give her. When I wanted to bring it to her she didn’t want me there. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt my feelings or break my heart. My grandma was like a mom to me. She took care of me when I was little. There were things that she knew that she wouldn’t talk about though. Things that my mom told her.
I was in Scotland when I got the call that grandma was in the hospital and that grandma had colon cancer. She had been dealing with this for years yet not one person in the family knew it. In a way she did what my mom did before she passed. My mom would say, when I die…and she used to always call me on New Years Day, she didn’t that year, nor did she call my daughter. Which was so odd.
My grandma had a hard time dealing with my moms death. She used to talk to mom every day. In the morning and at night. She even spoke to my mom the night of her death about an hour before it happened.
But I digress, back to my grandma, I made it back from Scotland and Ireland. Steve and I went straight from the airport to the nursing home where she had been moved to. When I saw her I wasn’t prepared for it. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel anything. I was numb, maybe the long flight helped me to not feel anything, I don’t know. But I knew when I saw her that she was pretty much gone. She was there but she wasn’t. The day that she passed Steve and I had just finished putting the air conditioner in my window upstairs. I was standing in the middle of my room and Steve was standing by the stairs. A little crow that is used for Halloween decorations lifted up off the shelf and landed at my feet. Coming downstairs to check for messages, since Steve and I thought this was my grandmas way of saying she was gone, I found I had a voicemail from my uncle Jack. She had in fact passed.
The days that followed was a mess. A dvd had to be created for the funeral, although they were doing a cremation first. This was not your normal viewing before a cremation and not your normal cremation memorial service. Some were invited to a releasing the balloons service later on and some were not. I was not invited. My aunt Trish has a hard time dealing with the fact that I am a medium. At the funeral she made sure to avoid Steve and myself and basically saying loudly that I was crazy. That was the last time that I saw my mom’s side of the family. My aunt Peggy, I love her to death, understands and tries her best to take care of things and feels bad for asking me about who was around when my grandma was in the nursing home. It’s not her fault, she can’t control what anyone else does or believes. It’s really ok. I never fit in with family really, even growing up. I always knew that I was different.
Life goes on, we learn lessons and we know who to trust, who not to trust and to prepare ourselves for others who will not always agree with what we have to say. It may hurt or the words may sting for a short time but it’s better to be true to who you are than to live a lie just to be loved by others or to be accepted by others. You can’t choose your blood family but you can choose others who can become your family. Life is a journey, with many ups and downs, hopefully more ups than downs, keep the good memories, keep the lessons and let go of the things that doesn’t serve you or your life.