Where Do I Go From Here

The last few weeks or even months has been a time of exploring places, exploring thoughts and ideas and even just spending lots of time in my own thoughts. If anyone knows me well, and I question this one often, would know that I don’t like to spend that much time in my own thoughts. At the same time without this I wouldn’t be where I am at this moment. When you spend a lot of time by yourself and with your thoughts you learn a great deal about what you want in your life and what you don’t want in your life. You learn who is really in your life and who is really a friend and those who aren’t. You learn which ones come to you when there is trouble and then once they feel better are back doing whatever it was before the trouble began and then you have those who make you feel like you are going to be part of something they are doing only to be let down over and over again and you feel used and to the point you really don’t care if you do anything in the group that you are part of again. So while I am feeling this anger, this hurt, this pain, I know it needs addressed as to why I allow them to make me feel this way, why I give them my power? For me since I wear my heart on my sleeve it’s because I thought they were caring people and not just someone who takes what they want and leave and because I trusted them. I give to others and now it’s time to give to myself. It’s time to stop the madness, lol, it’s time to stop the hurting, realize these people for who they are and move on. I have goals and it’s time to really sit down and map it out and make it happen. Someone said to me one day that there was a person that used to make them feel like they were less than and that they weren’t as good as they were and I can see why this person would say that. It gets old feeling used.

Today is a new day and it’s time to create what I want in my life, it’s time to create my dream for me. I do it for others all of the time, for their business, for their life, it’s my turn now.

It’s time to pull myself up, no-one else is going to do it for me, get myself out of the funk that I have been in and move forward. All of this came about, this pulling myself up because of a dear friend told me that what I told her would happen in 5 years has happened, all of it. It made me realize that if I could do that for her I can do that for myself. Time to stop waiting for someone to do that for me, although it would be nice, just to know this is what you need to do to connect the dots and run with it. It is what it is.

For those who are constant in my life, thank you, for all of the others who are there when they need or want something…bye!

 

 

Traveling 2018

This year, just like last year has been a year for traveling, a year for learning and a year for growing but also a year where I have had many thoughts about a number of things and although I am around people I sometimes look around and it’s as if I am by myself. I am not depressed or sad just an observation really.

It’s hard to believe it’s already July!! Where has the time gone? Things I had hoped would be done by now (my website, book) isn’t. The website I didn’t want to launch and then not be able to do the readings or to teach or mentor students when I am not home much this year. Hopefully though before I start traveling again in August I can get things finished as for the book well, I am aiming for the end of the year.

Where have I traveled? My first trip this year was in April. Steve and I went on a cruise. At the end of the year, 2017, we found a deal we couldn’t pass up. The cruise was 50% off and we had enough mileage points to pay for flights. Although this was great as far as flights go we did have some issues and we did learn that when you pay for a flight in this way you are at the airlines mercy. We had several issues including them dropping a middle flight which we had to call and find out why it was gone, getting to a gate and them telling us that the airline decided we should be on another flight and it was boarding in ten minutes to moving our seats that we had paid for. I don’t see us paying for flights in this way anytime soon. Lesson learned.

Hawaii itself was pretty amazing, I didn’t get to see a lot of beaches, which I would have loved. I did get to see the volcano that erupted not long after we left Hawaii. It was interesting seeing the lava. It looked like it was only a little ways up but we were told different about the height  of what we were really seeing. The cruise was 14 days, 5 of which we would be at sea all the time without a stop. I did have a great time either on the ship or off. We docked in Canada and I can honestly say I wasn’t that impressed with the airport. If you are going to check a bag it can’t be done until a few hours before your flight. One of the women who was on the cruise with us had to have a body search, simply because she had a knee replacement surgery and it was setting of everything. You would think they would just go over the part that was setting off the detector and let her go on her way. The woman was in her 80’s. Another couple who was rushing to meet their friends and to catch their flight said they were randomly chosen for an agriculture check. They had already checked their luggage which had to be brought to the place of inspection and gone through. They told them their flight was leaving in 5 or 10 min. they didn’t care. They found nothing. It was a very long day. The boat docked earlier and our flight wasn’t until 7 pm that night. Way to much time in an airport.

Our next trip which took place in May was to Florida. We went to Disney and Universal. My very first time at Disney and Universal. I wasn’t all that impressed with Disney. The fireworks were awesome at the end but other than that all I saw was a place that had very little to do as far as rides, 3d shows that weren’t that great and very much overpriced. Universal on the other hand was AMAZING!! This could be because of a couple of things really, the food wasn’t overpriced, there were more rides,  the fast pass was for everything and not just 3 rides and Harry Potter!! The Harry Potter part of the park was just mind-blowing. You start out by taking the train from one park to the next and when you see the street it’s just like the everyday world but then there is a brick building and an alley and when you step through the doorway you enter into another world. A world of magic, a world of witches, a world of Harry Potter. Although if you are like me and magic is a part of your every day world, it feels like home. It’s kind of hard to explain really. I know it’s part of a movie set or based from the movie, it’s just the feeling I guess. When you leave this part of the world it’s like stepping back into the land of muggles. It rained a lot during this week. This was  their rainy season. On the days it said rain sometimes you didn’t have rain until the late afternoon. Sometimes it started out with rain and then stopped and you had all day until late that night before it started again. When it did start in the afternoon you just left the park. It was like when it started it didn’t stop for hours. I am not talking about normal sprinkles or a rain shower that will last for a few minutes and quit I am talking hard rain where it seconds you were soaked. We managed to get through all of Harry Potter before the rain and the next day we finished up with a few other things we missed. It was a great trip.

Not long after this trip was our trip to the Bahamas. We were there for 2 weeks. Nothing but sand, ocean, eating and sleeping. We did go to a local park and on the glass bottom boat ride again. Steve who always says his ideal vacation is doing nothing became bored, I thought this was quite humorous and I don’t think he will say that again. I collected shells almost every single day and even brought home some ocean water. There were some events that took place which I won’t go into. Way to much drama! I did meet some really great people though and I am keeping in contact with a few of them. We have been here a lot and considered locals. Which is really cool.

 

Aha Moments

Over the weekend not only did I celebrate my birthday but we had an investigation and both before, during and even yesterday I had many aha moments. Some surrounding people in my life and others just more clear on what it is I want in my life and want to be doing.

The aha moments about the people in my life has really always been there I guess I just wasn’t ready to see it. I am not going to be removing people from my life but I know and see first hand who I can truly count on and trust.

For others I realize that although at one time we were really close now we are almost strangers. I think this one hurts the most though and although I have known it for a while, just really faced it this weekend.

While I am on holiday I will be doing a lot of fun things but also thinking about many things and where it is that I want to go with my life.

I have books to write, courses to write and a website to finish. I am part of another website but not sure I am going to remain. There are some things that are very different, sadly but it happens, right?

Anyway, enough of my rambling, lol, time to get busy, I have a plane to catch soon!!

 

 

Ancestry

I know in another post I talked about my dna a little and I have a follow-up, a cousin logged on and found that I was a match to him, one of many, many people and he sent me a friend request. I found out that we are 2nd cousins from my great grandmother’s side. I am talking to another cousin and there is a cousin who lives in Michigan. That’s about 4 hours away depending on what part of Michigan. Which now explains the England connection or Great Britain connection, still one and the same, lol.

It’s so crazy, my heart has always been in England. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with England and wanted to go to England. I loved castles and everything that goes with castles. No surprise while in Scotland and Ireland with the castles! lol

It’s interesting to learn about the different families and to find documents that you never knew existed. My uncle Jerry is still alive and it’s his mom that I hope to find out more information about, hoping he can shed some light on the Cooper side of the family.

 

Remembering

Sometimes all it takes is seeing something on tv or reading a book or seeing a picture to trigger memories that you have buried deep inside. When this happens for me even if I wasn’t present for certain things I still see them as if I was there. The day I am talking about is the death of my mom, the death of my grandpa and the death of my grandma.

My brother was with my mom when she passed. He lives there and he is the one who heard her say she couldn’t breathe. He told me what had happened not knowing that I would be able to see it in detail as if I was there with her. I guess that’s the part of being a medium that will take some time getting used to. My mom’s isn’t the only scene that I see often, from time to time I will see other things that has been validated over and over. It’s almost like I have forgotten something that should have been said or done or maybe it’s that I need to dig a little deeper for an even bigger lesson.

When my grandpa died I was there, I remember everything about that day. My uncle Larry was in the room with him and telling him it’s ok for him to go. I could hear his breathing from where he was. I remember what he looked like and the sponge that we used to wet his lips that were blistered. His kidneys were giving out and very little liquid was going into the bag and it was a red color, not the normal yellow color you would expect to see, but I know when you are dying this is the process. My grandma had pneumonia and it was her birthday. At the moment that my grandpa died, flowers were being delivered for my grandma. It was chaos at that moment. Someone went to the door and took the flowers and put them in the other room away from all of the rest of the things taking place. There were many people who went into the room where my grandpa was, the room where I would sometimes sleep when I stayed at grandmas house or would sleep when I was there on a Saturday or Sunday as a kid. The floor joists broke from all of the weight of everyone in the room. My heart and soul shattered when my grandpa left this world. I knew that our family would never be the same. He was quiet and watched what we all did but when he spoke you stopped and you listened to what he had to say. He had wisdom that you knew you wanted to hear or know.

Not long after his death I would have a visit from him. He didn’t say anything to me but I could smell his cologne. I was sitting at my desk on the computer when it occurred. I turned around to see at first if my brother was standing behind me and had purchased the same cologne but there was not a person to be seen. It took me a long time to heal from his death. He was an amazing grandpa and I was lucky to have him.

After my grandma passed last April I thought of all of the things she had been saying to me at times. She would say she wouldn’t be around much longer and I guess really preparing me for her death. Other times she wouldn’t want to talk or even want me to visit her. I had purchased an Easter basket for her that I never got to give her. When I wanted to bring it to her she didn’t want me there. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt my feelings or break my heart. My grandma was like a mom to me. She took care of me when I was little. There were things that she knew that she wouldn’t talk about though. Things that my mom told her.

I was in Scotland when I got the call that grandma was in the hospital and that grandma had colon cancer. She had been dealing with this for years yet not one person in the family knew it. In a way she did what my mom did before she passed. My mom would say, when I die…and she used to always call me on New Years Day, she didn’t that year, nor did she call my daughter. Which was so odd.

My grandma had a hard time dealing with my moms death. She used to talk to mom every day. In the morning and at night. She even spoke to my mom the night of her death about an hour before it happened.

But I digress, back to my grandma, I made it back from Scotland and Ireland. Steve and I went straight from the airport to the nursing home where she had been moved to. When I saw her I wasn’t prepared for it. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel anything. I was numb, maybe the long flight helped me to not feel anything, I don’t know. But I knew when I saw her that she was pretty much gone. She was there but she wasn’t. The day that she passed Steve and I had just finished putting the air conditioner in my window upstairs. I was standing in the middle of my room and Steve was standing by the stairs. A little crow that is used for Halloween decorations lifted up off the shelf and landed at my feet. Coming downstairs to check for messages, since Steve and I thought this was my grandmas way of saying she was gone, I found I had a voicemail from my uncle Jack. She had in fact passed.

The days that followed was a mess. A dvd had to be created for the funeral, although they were doing a cremation first. This was not your normal viewing before a cremation and not your normal cremation memorial service. Some were invited to a releasing the balloons service later on and some were not. I was not invited. My aunt Trish has a hard time dealing with the fact that I am a medium. At the funeral she made sure to avoid Steve and myself and basically saying loudly that I was crazy. That was the last time that I saw my mom’s side of the family. My aunt Peggy, I love her to death, understands and tries her best to take care of things and feels bad for asking me about who was around when my grandma was in the nursing home. It’s not her fault, she can’t control what anyone else does or believes. It’s really ok. I never fit in with family really, even growing up. I always knew that I was different.

Life goes on, we learn lessons and we know who to trust, who not to trust and to prepare ourselves for others who will not always agree with what we have to say. It may hurt or the words may sting for a short time but it’s better to be true to who you are than to live a lie just to be loved by others or to be accepted by others. You can’t choose your blood family but you can choose others who can become your family. Life is a journey, with many ups and downs, hopefully more ups than downs, keep the good memories, keep the lessons and let go of the things that doesn’t serve you or your life.

DNA Results Are In

Before I began to write something for this blog I had decided to check my email and I found that my Ancestory DNA Results were in and I was excited to see what was revealed. Many thought I would have a lot from Scandinavia but that’s not the case. 54% comes from Great Britain and another 24% comes from Europe. I was surprised to see that only 8% was from Scotland and Ireland. My mom’s family comes from Scotland and Ireland.  I wish I could share this with my mom and my mother-in-law!! Sadly both of them has passed, even my grandma is no longer with us.

My mom passed away in January, 4 years ago and it will be 2 years since my mother-in-law has been gone and 1 year for my grandma, both passed in April. While I will be celebrating my birthday and other events I will still have those no longer with me in my thoughts.

My mother-in-law passed away the day after my birthday. Steve and I had gone out to eat and when we came home my brother-in-law had left a message for us to call.

I found out that my grandma had cancer and wouldn’t live very long when I was in Scotland and Ireland. She held on until I got back. The day she passed she let me know in her own way. I have 2 little crows upstairs that you see around Halloween, I was standing in the middle of my room and my husband was standing beside the stairs and this crow went up into the air and landed at my feet. We knew right away something was wrong, coming downstairs I checked my phone for any missed calls. My uncle Jack had called and told me she had passed away. I always know when grandma is around, if there is something that can be thrown in my path, she will do it. I do miss each one of them. They all played a huge part in my life. Although my mom never understood who I am and we had our arguments there is nothing like a hug from your mom. My grandma understood me the most but I did get my feelings hurt by her a lot and I didn’t understand why.

Life is full of ups and downs, sometimes we understand why things happened and sometimes we have no clue. I have had many things happen over the years, some great, some not so great but with each moment I have learned something. I have survived many things and I know I can get through anything.

Trusting the process is something I try to do but sometimes it’s really hard to trust that process and stay focused and motivated to do something to change the course. Sometimes you just need a moment to let the tears fall, let the anger out and then pick yourself up and continue. I think it’s in these moments that we truly learn about who we are and the strength that we truly have. At least for me that’s been the case.

Trusting people is something that I still struggle with, there are people I have trusted and found out later that I shouldn’t have. Some people present themselves one way and then in a blink of an eye they show you who they truly are. Just this week I was speaking with someone who said a few things that set alarms off in my body. I did listen and I will keep this person away. Something just not right about the motives of this person. Sad really, I think she could have been a great friend.

Well, I think this is enough of my rambling, lol

Wishing you all a great evening or morning, wherever you are in the world. ❤

Welcome To My Blog

Hello! My name is Jenn and I live in a small town in Indiana. Although many people think my life is perfect trust me when I say it’s far from that. Life for me hasn’t always been easy. I am a survivor of many things and on the following pages or blog posts I would love to take on the journey with me. Some of it may inspire you, some of it may have you rolling your eyes or laughing. Many of the things I will write about is things that I have overcome although you will also read about what I am currently doing, where I am traveling to, my thoughts and opinions on many topics. If this helps even one person or inspires them in any way that’s awesome!

I am like most people, I have good days, I have not so good days, I laugh, I cry, I smile, although sometimes that smile doesn’t reach my soul, I say a lot of four letter words that most people would cringe if they heard, I talk to much at times and other times I am really quiet, I can be loud or I can talk softly (either one gets me into trouble), I get my feelings hurt easily but will also defend those who are being hurt or abused or bullied. I try things and sometimes they work and sometimes not so much, I know what it feels like to be lonely even when you have people around, I know what it’s like to need someone to talk to and the closest thing is a journal and I know what it feels like to lose someone who you love or wanting to hear the words I am proud of you.

I love many things and will talk or rather write about many things from my spiritual path to the mundane and everything in between. If this sounds like something you would be interested in then by all means subscribe and be part of my world.

Many Blessings!

Jenn ©